The Necessity of Failure

Just because you have a failure, it does not mean that you are a failure. So fail gently, gracefully, bravely.

-Tamara Levitt

Why You Need to Fail

As an adult I developed the tendency to avoid failure at all costs. I told myself:

• Put in more effort.

• Devote more time.

• Avoid unnecessary risks.

For me, success was in large part defined by the absence of failure. Failure was unacceptable.

Upon further reflection and a strong desire to learn more about personal development, individual empowerment, and resilience - all part of the journey of a life coach - I’ve realized that this was a mistake.

When I was a child, I didn’t worry about failure. I’d venture to say that most children that are raised in a nourishing, supportive environment do not worry about failure. When we’re young we try new things and do not dwell on the prospect of failing. Watch any toddler and you’ll see this in action.

Our whole early existence is marked by trial-and-error - by failure. Consider for a moment the following examples:

• Learning to walk and run.

• Learning to talk.

• Learning to play with other children.

• Learning to use a fork or spoon.

• Learning to draw, paint, or color.

• Learning to tie your shoes.

• Learning to ride a bike.

• Learning to play hide-and-seek or any game.

• Learning to read and write.

I can go on and on, but I won’t. You get the point.

All these things we learned as children were the result of trial-and-error. We learned from failure.

Despite failing being a prevalent childhood experience, it doesn’t break the toddler or preschool-aged child. Failure is normal. It’s part of learning. As children, we most likely never thought about failure in a conscious way. We never assigned the word failure to our unsuccessful attempt to ride a bicycle for the first time. We weren’t that hard on ourselves. We innately showed ourselves grace and developed resilience. Trial-and-error was part of our early existence. It was how we learned, how we developed as human beings. It’s in our DNA.

So, we concede that it’s normal to experience failure.

No progress is made without failure. Nobody learned to walk or run without falling. Nobody learned to read or write without mispronouncing or misspelling words. Nobody stayed within the lines (if that’s even desirable) the first time they colored. We have all experienced failure and have accepted it as part of the process of learning.

So, why do so many adults fear failure? What has caused that shift in thinking?

If this issue resonates with you, you can probably cite examples of things you didn’t attempt in your life due to a fear of failure. Perhaps it was in high school or college that you first avoided doing something - taking a challenging class, trying out for a team, attending a competition - out of concern of failing. Maybe this fear came about as a young adult entering the workforce or navigating relationships. Whatever the circumstances were, at some point you developed an aversion to failure. You were no longer the carefree, fearless child that took on challenge after challenge. You experienced a shift in thinking. You came to equate failure with being “less” - less capable, less intelligent, less worthy, less deserving.

While some individuals are very aware of how the fear of failure has affected their life choices, others are not. For those individuals, the fear of failure may be relegated to their subconscious mind. In either case, the unchecked fear of failure may contribute to stagnation in achieving life goals. People settle into their respective comfort zones, where they have experienced “success”, insulating themselves from “failure” while simultaneously stifling further growth and development.

Self-Reflection

During my long teaching career, nearly 40 years, I was content. I challenged myself through the courses I taught, the lessons I prepared, and the extracurricular activities I was involved in. Could I have done more as an educator? Maybe. My contributions were primarily as a classroom teacher, student council advisor, and new teacher mentor. I was active in the teacher’s union and volunteered to serve on various school wide committees. While I consider my contributions to be significant and am proud of my work as an educator, I did not seek to vertically advance in my profession by seeking an administrative position. I was content to grow as an educator horizontally, as a classroom teacher.

Could I have had a greater impact as an administrator? Maybe. Did I decide not to pursue that path out of fear? I don’t think so but I’m not certain.

I knew I wanted to be “successful” at what I considered to be the most important things in my life at that time - caring for my family and teaching. My responsibilities to my family were important to me and I believed that seeking advancement would threaten the balance that I wanted to maintain between work and family. The decision to stay-the-course as a classroom teacher was a conscious one that I stand by, however, I sometimes wonder if the choice was motivated by a fear of failure as a parent, or as an educator, or both.

What I do know is that for most of that time, I was averse to failure. I wanted to “succeed” as a parent and teacher, so I stayed the course. I viewed failure as unacceptable.

Never Too Late to Embrace Failure

In recent years, I’ve become more aware of the danger of fearing failure. My journey as an educator and life coach has encouraged me to become more introspective and self-aware. I’ve come to embrace the trial-and-error aspect of a new adventure. Whether it’s publishing a newsletter on Substack, submitting articles as a freelance writer, learning another language, taking a watercolor painting class, or trying to make a positive difference as a life coach, failure is now part of what I do. I’m not discouraged by it. Instead, I recognize that failing is part of the journey and if it’s something worth achieving, I’ll learn from the experience.

As a fellow life coach had told me, “Learn to embrace the word ‘yet’.” I haven’t failed; I’m just not there yet.

What to do?

It’s time for some introspection.

• Brainstorm the bravest things you’ve done in your life, the things that required the most courage.

• Start in your childhood with your earliest memories and move forward.

Did you hit a point when you can no longer recall acting bravely, acting courageously?

If you did, that might be evidence of the manifestation of the fear of failure interfering with your ability to move forward in achieving life goals. Like any other barrier or obstacle, once it’s identified as such, it’s time to assess the options for moving forward. Developing an action and accountability plan that includes the first small, yet courageous, step forward is key to achieving life goals. Recognizing that failure is normal, that it’s a necessary component of learning, will help muster the courage and motivate you to overcome the fear of failure, and bridge the gap between goals and achievement.

You got this!

"Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly." - John F. Kennedy

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

"You can't let your failures define you. You have to let your failures teach you." ― Barack Obama

"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." - Theodore Roosevelt